A few years ago, we had a significant challenge with our 2 year old daughter. Morning and evening routines were an uphill battle every day. Getting out the door to her childminder quickly enough to make my first meeting in the morning was often a drawn out battle of wills.
It was clear she wanted to collaborate and appease us as parents. But she didn’t understand what we expected of her. Moreover, her brain development still seemed to behind. The neocortex doesn’t kick into overdrive growth until later. She was also awash hormones, which is completely normal for this age. This caused the temper tantrums typical for a two year year old. They’re called “terrible twos” for a reason. We were also frustrated as parents, and we didn’t know how to help her. Fundamentally, this was an issue of her feeling overwhelmed. And unable to sort out what’s important from what isn’t.
In a professional context, visualization works really well to help stop overwhelm. Whether to map out a business process, plan a large scale software system, or figure out a business model, it helps to have everyone involved “brain dump” onto post-its. And then to organize them. This approach unleashes a lot of latent creativity. Plus it helps front-load difficult discussions. You find out really quickly what the major challenges are with a new initiative.
How it all started
One Saturday afternoon, I was watching her learn to draw on a coffee table. I had the idea to draw out her morning and evening routines. First and foremost, I wanted to do it with her, not to her. As she was already drawing and playing around, I felt a little more comfortable drawing my chicken-scratch cartoons. Drawing was never a personal strength of mine.
So I pitched it to her as a fun project we can do together. I pulled out some bigger post-its and a Sharpie, and sat down at the coffee table with her.
First, I suggested that we brainstorm what she does in the morning. As she was coming up with specific actions, like eating breakfast, I would sketch out a symbol of that particular activity. A cartoon visualization.
As she wasn’t able to read, images brought home the message. They eliminated the cognitive load for her. She was excited to see me draw things she named on the fly. It isn’t that common of a sight to be honest. As an output of each suggestion, we drew a cartoon on a green wide post it. And pasted it on our coffee table.
Once we had a handful of these, I suggested a few others which she might have missed-for approval. I also suggested a few which were deliberately incorrect, just to make sure she was paying attention.
After this, we moved to a “converging phase” of the workshop. I suggested that she take the post its and put them in order on the wall. We had to do it together in practice, but the key was that I gave her the final say in the actual order. I was holding the relevant two post-its, and asking questions like do you “eat breakfast” before you “descend the stairs”? Doing this multiple times, we came up with a reverse chronologically ordered list of post-its that reflected her morning routine.
At that moment, she seemed to step back and view the whole process. And she was absolutely beaming, proud of both us for doing it together. But also happy that she finally understood what her parents were on about every morning. She felt less overwhelmed.
So she felt confident that she will now be able to achieve what is expected of her. Because she understood what is expected of her for the first time in her life!
Wrap up and implementation
We then did the same thing thing with her evening routine on dark blue post its. And ordered it the other way, finishing with her in bed and falling asleep.
When thinking about it, I realized the grouping was off. Some of the activities are performed on the ground floor of our house. And some on the first floor, where her bedroom and the bathroom was.
So I unwrapped a brown paper roll, ripped off two pieces about a meter long, and sat down again with my daughter. We put the ground floor post-its on one brown paper square. And the first floor post-its on the other.
Finally, we hung up the ground floor post its in our dining room, and the first floor post its in her bedroom. So in the end, she had a detailed map of her daily routines, organized chronologically and physically near the place where she would actually do them.
What happened in practice
My wife and I were shocked at how effective this was. The daily tantrums nearly disappeared completely overnight. If there was push-back from her, it lasted 15 seconds not 15-45 minutes as it did in the past.
The fastest way to help her calm down, when she looked like she was about to blow up, was to walk her over to the post its. Then ask her where we were at that moment in the process. She would point to the relevant one. The emotions would calm down, as this required some cognitive load from her. And we could continue on with the rest of the routine that morning or evening.
About a year later, as I was putting her to bed, she said
“Daddy, that picture there is wrong” pointing at the one where she brushes her teeth.
“Oh really, what do you mean?” I asked.
“By the time I am brushing my teeth, I’m already wearing my PJs, not a dress”.